A Fucked Up Experiment In Arrogance
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Once, I was a boy who met a boy...
I fell in love.
Perfect bliss.
Shared dreams.
My love grew deeper as the boy's love faded.
The boy's distant gazes went unnnoticed.
I didn't see.
I couldn't see.
The boy woke up one morning, looked at me and said, "Not anymore."
I left.
Everything kind of got fucked up for me after that.
Inventory
My insecurity kicks me in the throat while my jealousy laughs at me
The mirror hates me and my friends don't know me
I starve myself because I hate the way I look
Then I stuff myself because I hate the way I feel
Out with the other freaks, getting pissed
Thinking different equals better
While surrounded by beautiful idiots
But I'm the one who goes to sleep alone after a temporary escape into fiction
I'm sure he's a really nice guy
I just want to kill him because he's more attractive than me
Maybe if I was cuter at first glance
And maybe if I wasn't so disproportionate
Or asymmetrical
or skinny
crooked
buck-touthed
foul-mouthed
angry
jealous
...and flawed.
I wish I knew why it hurts so much.
Why am I so jealous?
Why am I so insecure?
Why can't I breathe?
Why do I imagine him, happy with someone far better than me?
I wish I could turn me off.
The Anthony Series, Ch. 4
I don't have any further opportunities for a warm bubbly bath feeling
Any further expectations of grandeur
Any more possibility of a one night stand than a wilted flower growing through a crack in the pavement
I'm standing in a dead field where there's no fence blocking what should be a grass that's greener
Who's going to tell me I'm sexy?
Aside from those who I don't believe
Who's going to hold me past dawn?
Anyone else will already be asked to leave
The older I get, the more the sunshine burns my eyes
The further south you go, the more I forget what love feels like
I only see you in my deepest sleep
My wish to die is only so waking would no longer interrupt my dreams of you
Some people can be so damned dramatic, I swear...
Ha Ha... You know damn well I am talking about myself...
I'm going to my grandparent's soon... It's laundry day and pretty much the only thing I have to wear is a pink shirt a certain perfect sleep giver gave to me.
I am craving a ham sandwich with everything on it.
I feel like an alien, but sometimes I'm glad I don't relate to most people because sometimes they are just innappropriate or downright mean.
One day they're going to come and take us way... Like, all 5 of us 'different' ones.
Now, I don't mean unique, we're all unique, of course. I mean completely of a separate world. That's how I feel. Like I even have different cells.
The Anthony Series, Ch. 5
I pray it won't be long before my time of reclamation
Before I'm spoken for once again
Though, with eyes shining, I've always claimed to be
I've forever only craved to be your inspiration,
Your reasoning, your hanging thread to sanity,
The cause of your smile, of your peace, of your erection
Your last name would be my bloody badge of courage
And you would never want for attention, for affection or love
With you I would need not water or food or air
Or distraction
Or anesthesia
Or sugar
Or friends
Or family
Or God
Or any of the other bad habits I've picked up during your absence
Hell would be welcomed
Should you be the last thing I see before my arrival
Seriously, who does this?
Last night I felt compelled to request security to ask someone to leave the club I was at because I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
In the beginning, as they say...
Two men (arguable term) walked up to the door at DeJa Vu, the security guard and doorperson remember that one of them had been in the club prior to and let the other know that he had to pay a cover charge ($4). The one whom they didn't remember had a tantrum about how he wasn't going to pay twice and started loudmouthing. Which security was pretty much used to so it didn't faze them all too much. Well, he made a comment about another particular person of whom I care about significantly, I made a comment as well, which I admit I shouldn't have since it isn't always wise to provoke the ignorant. Anyhow, my comment wasn't meant to offend, I simply wanted him to know that the person representing authority in fact has authority now and really should be paid attention to. My gosh he did not take that well. Anyhow, let's just say he didn't leave his alpha male retardation in junior high like the rest of us.
So... Being that he and his friend just stood in the parking lot of the club making lewd comments about me and maybe my friends but I'm not too sure about that, I decided to make my way into the club and look for a place to stand, enjoy my Red Bull & Vodka and a cigarette. Well, apparently bad guy made enough of a scene to be let into the club anyhow. When he did he thought it to be proper to come and stand right next to me and look me up and down, as if sizing me up.
Let me make one thing clear. I don't fight. I don't resort to violence to end disputes. I try to talk things through. I am not a primate. However, if I feel physically threatened I will do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away. Should he have attempted to attack me I, of course, would've defended myself. Which I have no idea what the outcome of that would've been, but let's just say I take defending myself very, very seriously.
So, he was sizing me up. I was kind of cornered so I turned to face him, made eye contact and said, "Excuse me." He didn't move. I put my forearm on his chest, applied pressure and repeated myself while squeezing past him.
I then made my way to the front and proceeded to ask for his removal.
Seriously, I ask again, who does this?
Oh and by the way, I feel compelled to say that, should the need had arisen... I would've broken him in half.
I may be flawed... But I'm not (that much of) a liar.
I was talking with a friend last night about life. Right now, life is grand...
I have a great job which I am a literal genius at and allows me to vacation for a bit each year which if fantastic because it fulfills my laziness quota for the year.
My family is wonderful, albeit crazy as fuck and sometimes I don't even want to look at them much less have to claim some sense of relation to those people, yeah but those times are few and far between.
As of late, my social circle was leaving something to be desired but situations are starting to come full circle and I now see many for whom they really are, which is great in many aspects but somewhat very sad for a couple of people I thought would have my back but are instead saying very disparaging things concerning/regarding/involving me when it is turned. I'm still not sure why people do this, if it was out of sadness or in jest (maybe) I would understand, but it's usually out of jealousy or misdirected anger, which is unacceptable. Ah well, there isn't anything I could really do about it except confront these cowards but I do find that even if they do cease to discuss their assumptions of my personal life, they're only going to find someone else to pick on. Kind of like verbal bullies I guess. Pitiful, pitiful boys.
I must say though, there have been a few that I have met/reconnected with/gotten to know better recently and I am really glad to know these people... Makes a guy not feel like he's an alien anymore (not so much, at least).
Reflection 3
You have a clinginess that barely borders on annoyance
And you grant freedom to those who revel in their solitude
You make them feel like sturdy borders and protectors and beautiful, living decorations
Is it no wonder they love you?
You have an uneducated wisdom that makes others ask you for advice
And you have a magnetism that labels you friendly best by so many it's almost overwhelming
They think you're quirky and funny and slightly odd and un-conventionally good-looking
And yes, it stings when they laugh at you
But it's all in good humor
It's not real
They're not real
Nothing is real
Except you
And yes, you are loved
For reasons you still have yet to understand
Fri, Aug. 18th, 2006, 09:02 pm
Ok so... Silver Linings are hard to find. Hell, I haven't found this one yet. At least I'm still Me and I am loved by those whose love means the most to me.
To my great friend who's just squishy enough. Thanks for being you and I'm so happy to know you, as always.
So...
I had this dream...
I met, fell in love and married this man who had a newborn baby. I raised this child as if he were my own. I became a housewife. I cooked, cleaned and rubbed my husband's feet when he came home from work. I raised what came to become OUR son. My husband loved me, held me, kissed me, told me how beautiful I was and made love to me every night. I was so happy. I had everything I ever wanted and I was completely in love. Then I woke up alone and I cried.
I'm past the hook-ups. I'm past the shallow conversation. I'm past the tight shirts and ass-showing pants. I'm past the pretentiousness.
I have a longing for something alcohol cannot smooth away.
The Anthony Series, Ch. 12
Underneath this distance lies a telepathically charged insulence geared towards hating you
In ever sense but the most practical...
Because loving you would kill me
You come on like a toothache induced migraine...
Un-enabling me to concentrate
So disabling...
Like a thirst that will never be quenched
You represent a hunger that will never be satisfied
A need never met
A love disintegrated
If only on your side
You've become my religion
My reason for any karmic belief
My excuse for not striking maturity
If I grew up I might rationalize you out of my mind
Ghost
I've gotten so used to this depression it hardly fazes me anymore
Just warm nights like tonight
Sometimes I think I'd evolved past you
But, though I can kid all those around me,
I can not fool my longing
The pain blocks out the sun
My tears burn
You're my irresponsible lifestyle
The cocktail at my unhappy hour
The looking over my shoulder
And you're the whispers I hear in my hall
I swear I can see you in every doorway
In every shadow, hiding in my closet
You are the past that I fear
The footsteps behind me that I try to run from
But I can't because you're in every bad habit
Every unhealthy vice
In the face of every boy I take to my bed
Your name is every curse I speak
Every muffled scream
Every censored cry
I will never grow
I will never learn
Soft Enough
We hid from the sun for entire days in each other's arms
Kept our morning breath until early evening
You protected me from the ghosts but gave me my insomnia back
You gave me peace of mind
Peace of soul
I became greedy and asked for too much
I became greedy and asked for your love
Blood from my fists will forever stain your brick wall
My voice raspy, either from screaming or the 33rd cigarette tonight
Sorry, I'm being a bit dramatic
It's just that I feel like I could've loved you
I feel like I could've saved you
From your past
From your scars
But you wouldn't let me
So I'll just hold you hand while we cry
I'll hold your hand until you die
So... He's a killer to my sanity but such worthy fodder for some horrible poetry...
I really shouldn't drink so much, way too many emotions come out... Last night I was horrible to a boy who temporarily made me feel that I wasn't all alone in this world. Of course, I remembered later and went back to my usual miserable self, sent cryptic text messages and hung up on him when he called to check if I was ok. I wasn't really, I was curled up on my couch crying and punching at the air. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, maybe then I could try to fix it. Or, maybe I just shouldn't drink.
Also, when the fuck did I start trusting people again? I've been letting such personal thoughts escape my teeth lately, it's amazing. I really should stop, someone may have me committed.
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melancholy
weird
calm
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